I’ve mentioned it a couple times in passing, but haven’t yet been super open about the mental health challenges I struggled through the last couple of years. In May 2021 I started having panic attacks that expressed themselves—as what I now understand as—dissociation, or specifically, derealization. I get this overarching dreadful sense that things aren’t real. The Mayo Clinic describes the feeling as “[knowing] that your sense of not being connected to your body or your surroundings are only feelings and not reality.”1 And it’s true. I know the feelings aren’t reflective of reality. But they’re scary nonetheless. They began after watching the series Cosmos (Thanks Neil DeGrasse Tyson!🤪). The whole thing lasted about a week or two—just a constant feeling of dread that things weren’t real. Then I was fine for over a year. But in February 2023 I started getting constant heart palpitations that led to another bout of derealization symptoms—this time lasting almost a month only going away gradually and with therapy. In fact, I continue to have “flashbacks” of the symptoms that are sometimes just as upsetting as the symptoms themselves. My therapist likened this to PTSD. The derealization was so traumatic that I have flashbacks of what it felt like in the moment.
Through therapy I came to understand the derealization symptoms as stress related. I was able to identify the COVID pandemic, loss of grandparents, and new job responsibilities as stressors for both events. But I knew in my body that an underlying issue causing the anxiety was the passage of time and the reality of death.
Dissociation symptoms usually occur in people who have experienced trauma. Which is why I sometimes feel silly for feeling this way, or talking about this. Because, thankfully, I can’t pinpoint any traumatic experiences in my life. My physical body has always stayed relatively safe. But I’m beginning to wonder if being raised to assume certain things were true (i.e. an afterlife) and then deconstructing and questioning those beliefs (no matter how gradually) can be a form of trauma.
I had long ago deconstructed my belief in God as “being” and heaven as a physical “place,” and thought I had made peace between scientific reality and trust in the divine. And, ironically, watching Cosmos actually affirmed my belief that God and science can coexist in this absolutely crazy, wild, complex universe—a universe that often acts in “miraculous” ways. And process theology, which I’ve written about, has also been helpful in bridging that gap. But because this new way of looking at the world was so foreign to the simplistic ideas I was taught in my formative years (i.e. that when I die I will go to heaven and see everyone who preceded me) this new way of perceiving reality was too much for my mind to comprehend. And I guess, along with all those other stressors, really got to me.
I guess dissociation is my body’s way of trying to protect me. Myself trying to tell myself: “Don’t worry, this isn’t real.” But my response will always be “Thanks, but no thanks—I don’t like this!”
I think I have my symptoms under control. I have medication that I can take when I’m feeling anxious. I exercise. I spend more time outdoors. I had my doubts, but all of these things do make me feel better. Hopefully that continues! And hopefully my own children, who are being raised to appreciate mystery and nuance, will be better prepared for the “big” questions.
*Behind the scenes posts are of a more personal nature and are not shared with subscribers via email or notification, but are published nonetheless because I find the writing and sharing process to be therapeutic.*
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911